We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
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