Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
