he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Randomize
