Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Randomize
