I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
