I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Send help, water and tortillas.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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