ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Randomize
