thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Randomize
