dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Omg I joined a choir last night...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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