you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
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