I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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