It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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