i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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