were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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