she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
