Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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