You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
Already tried, she's too smart for that. I need a Primos "Do your wife in the butt" lure/call to trick her into wanting it
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
