Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
