It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Just resonded to a booty call with "how much effort is required on my part?" I think I've finally reached the point of smoking too much pot
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
Randomize
