You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Randomize
