I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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