made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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