I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
