Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
Randomize
