I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
