This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah i was sneaking up to her room and on the way i saw a picture of her and left
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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