So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
whose ass print is on the piano?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
