Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
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