my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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