id be glad to
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
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