The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
