ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
Randomize
