I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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