i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Randomize
