when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Randomize
