Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
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I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
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Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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