Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
