I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
