So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
