just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
