yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
