I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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