She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
