Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
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