Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
