She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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