Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
