i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Randomize
