i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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