Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
