New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Randomize
