I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
I love you but I don't want to see you naked.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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