Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
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I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
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It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
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