Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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