you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You have to summon your inner elephant
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
