Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
