I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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