You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
